In human culture there is a lot of emphasis put on the idea that it is not okay to use people for our own benefit. This is why we don’t like to ask people for help. So the question remains… Is it wrong to use people?
You have most likely heard every spiritual teacher (including myself) explain that a key ingredient to happiness is to provide yourself with what you are looking for from others. For example, if you want your partner to make more money, find a way to make it yourself. Or if you want love, begin to love yourself. And it is true that providing yourself with what you want to receive from others is a way to gain your power back and to become the creator of your own life. But I want to offer you a brand new perspective on this topic.
You are creating your reality whether or not the things you create come through yourself or through the venue of someone else! The reason the first practice (providing for yourself what you want from others) works so well is because it puts the power back in your hands. It reminds you that you are the creator of your experience and what you give to yourself; the world will begin to reflect. But there is another way of going about this as well and that is to have the realization that even if you are lining up with others to provide you with what you need, it is you creating that experience in your reality. So ultimately it is you providing those things for yourself.
In human culture there is a lot of emphasis put on the idea that it is not ok to use people for our own benefit. This is why we don’t like to ask people for help. We worry that asking people for what we need and want is “using” them. The problem with this belief is that this is what we do every day. We use people. It is not possible to do anything other than this. You are using everything in your life and every one in your life as a tool to increase your happiness. For example, you are using your lover. You’re using him or her as a tool to increase your own joy and self worth. You are using your children. You are using them to feel as if your life matters. You are using your friends. You’re using them to feel a sense of security.
A healthy relationship is one that is mutually beneficial; and by mutually beneficial we mean a relationship where you are using each other in beneficial ways. And you know what? People want to get used! We all love being useful. If someone in our experience has a problem with being used, it isn’t because of being used, it’s because they feel as if their use is not valued. So, if you feel “used” by someone in the traditional sense of the word, it is not an issue of being used, it’s an issue of self worth. I am a spiritual guide. People use me to increase their happiness. People use me to feel better about themselves. People use me to gain security about their existence and the universe we live in. And being used by them in this way is my number one favorite thing to do on this earth. So I am using them to increase my happiness just like they are using me to increase theirs.
Everyone on this planet is out for their own happiness; and there is nothing wrong with that. Even those who self sacrifice do it because they think they will feel better about themselves if they self sacrifice. So even the most devout self-sacrificers of our time, self sacrifice because of the belief that doing so will make them happier. That is a selfish motive. There is nothing wrong with being out for your own happiness. That was the design of physical life. You came down into this separate perspective that you call by your name with one job and that job is to find your own individual happiness. Our problem on this planet is not selfishness. It is that we wont let ourselves be selfish. We wont let ourselves go in the direction of our own individual joy; and because of that, we get cut off from our joy to the degree that revenge and violence is a vibrational improvement from the powerlessness that we feel. If we did nothing other than selfishly chase our own happiness, we would never end up so vibrationally low that an improvement is revenge and violence. This world would be one of unity and love. And we must not forget that in a world where oneness is the truth of this universe and separateness is only an illusion, you can’t actually find happiness for yourself without finding it for the rest of all that is. We cause profound problems on this planet when we harbor the illusion that gaining happiness for yourself takes happiness away from others.
Most of us don’t feel like we’re creating our own reality. And so most of us feel powerless when we are getting what we need from others. But this is because we do not see that we are the ones creating the experience of these very people who are providing us with our need. This is an interdependent universe. It’s time to realize it. Step one… you come to earth and you’re dependent on it. You need what it produces to survive. And as you grow up, your dependence only increases. You are dependent on the mail carrier to carry your mail, the road workers to repair the roads, and the Internet providers to provide the Internet. You are dependent on the earth to grow your food, the farmers to bring the food to the market and the market to keep them fresh and available for purchase. The truth is, you are manifesting your happy life through all of these things. You created the earth and the food and the farmer and the store. You can choose to see them as separate entities and therefore feel powerless to them for your own survival, or you may see them as extensions of yourself and thus realize that you are merely manifesting your needs through them currently. This realization puts you in touch with the fact that you are the powerful creator of your own abundance.
I can highlight this truth most easily by changing your perspective relative to a relationship that is popularly regarded as shameful; the relationship between a “sugar baby and a sugar daddy”. A sugar baby, sugar daddy relationship is an intentional relationship between woman who is usually younger and highly attractive and a man who usually older and financially wealthy. What most people don’t see is that the sugar baby and sugar daddy are not using each other any more than any other couple uses each other. Couples who love each other for societally acceptable things (such as character traits) use each other because those character traits (like a sense of humor or an affectionate nature) cause each respective partner to feel happier. The bottom line is, we are using our partner for our own happiness. A sugar baby uses a man for her happiness. It just so happens that what she has decided adds to her happiness is financial abundance and freedom. The sugar daddy uses a woman for his happiness. It just so happens that what he has decided adds to his happiness is having something beautiful to look at and the power he feels when his company is kept by something that other people perceive as valuable. But guess what? In this previous scenario, the sugar baby manifested her own abundance. She is not powerless to the man’s abundance. She has simply manifested her own abundance through a man; and there is nothing more or less virtuous about manifesting money through a man than manifesting it through a job.
So what is the variable? The variable is knowing that you are powerful instead of powerless. The variable is knowing that whether you manifest what you want through another person or not, it was still your manifestation. It was still your creation. And so, when we ask ourselves is it ok to use people? The answer is yes. We do it all day every day. And it just so happens that using people and loving people does not have to be a contradiction in terms. If we have lined up with someone who resents the way we are using them, it means that we, ourselves do not feel good about using them in that way. And this is nothing more than the byproduct of our unquestioned beliefs. Once you question your beliefs, you just might find that there is someone who would love to be used for that thing. You are not in this universe to do it all alone. You are not here to provide every single thing for yourself. The fact of the matter is simply that for most, it is easier to provide the things we want from others, for ourselves than it is to change our beliefs about deserving what we want from others (as well as change our beliefs about it being ok to use others by manifesting what we desire through them).
It’s impossible not to use others. You could become a hermit and you’d still be using something. If nothing else, you’d be using the earth to survive. That’s what we came here for. We came here to use one other. It is by using others that we gain expansion. But before we came here, we did not harbor the illusion that we were separate so we understood we’d ultimately be using our self for the benefit of our own expansion. We understood that our one self would merely appear in the physical dimension to be many separate beings. People should be used. They want to be used. And if you find alignment with this previous statement, you can only ever meet people whose joy will be satisfied by being used by you. If you find alignment with this previous statement, you can never again feel incapable of creating your own reality; because you’ll realize that you’re doing it whether it seems like someone else is doing it or not. Even if you use someone else to fulfill your wants, you’re the one doing it. You were the one that manifested that person into your reality in order to provide yourself with those desires. This is a very important shift in perspective if we want to live happy, interdependent lives here on plant earth. The question to ask yourself is not: Am I providing myself with my own needs and wants? because you are. The question is: Does the way I’m manifesting my experience (whether that be love or money or self worth) feel good to me? Does it make me feel powerful and capable? Or does it make me feel powerless and incapable?